Just get off your ass and do it.

This is me not wanting to go out and run again. This is the point where my mind starts to go, "Dude, what the hell have you done?!?! Are you fucking crazy?!?!" This is the point where I start to try to binge on healthy food, and try to sneak in unhealthy food back into my life. I ate the rest of David's fried potato wedges yesterday. I haven't ate something fried in 4 weeks until then. Then I ate some onion rings also. Might as well, what the hell...

This is the point where I usually give up. It's funny, my breaking point and attention span is so low compared to what it use to be. Yet the small victories mean so much more now. I walked to the grocery store Friday for my workout. Forget to take the iPod. Round trip was 3.44 miles, the longest I've gone in one stretch. I felt so tired. Granted I was pushing about 50 lbs of groceries (hey, 5 bottles of Gatorade and a whole watermelon weights a lot, CMON!) and it was the heat of the day, but I just felt so proud when I made it back. It's the small things that count, things that you couldn't (and wouldn't) have done a month ago.

One thing that keeps convincing me to keep going are the dreams I keep having. I keep having dreams about finding love. See, this has never been an important thing to me. I've always put my education and career first. I've dated a few people, fell hard for one person and got hurt, but nothing really that odd or different. But now as I'm loosing weight, I don't know, the idea of love and relationships are starting to sound so appealing to me. I blame all the friends I have that are getting married, or the love in the air in the summer, but regardless, I'm starting to want to have someone there. I've never had that, I've been too trapped by my fears and hate of my body, but as I'm melting it away, those feelings are going away too. I had a dream where I didn't loose the weight last night, and I had these guys that were crazy about me, and were totally fat. No offense fat guys, I'm sure your all lovely on the inside, but I won't lie. This is why I don't date, and I don't expect people to date me. I don't find overweight people attractive, so I don't date them, and I understand why someone wouldn't want to date me because they aren't attractive to my size. We like people for whats on the inside a lot, but we make the decision to know them better based on what we see. The other dreams I've had I'm cute and fit, and finding love with men I've always desired and dreamed of dating.

These dating dreams, this glimpses at what I could have if I continue (vs what I will have if I continue down a not so healthy road, assuming I even live that long at all) maybe a driving force that keeps me doing this. It's scary to think of dying young and unhealthy and huge and alone. I know I'm being dramatic, but it very well could happen to me if I don't change. And that enough is fear to make me go out in the 81 degree weather, and walk for 60 minutes. Praying that it's enough to make me change my life.

Sorry so Debbie Downer folks. Have a great father's day, and keep the faith.

Lisa